I’m quitting my job!

Not Scarface from Half Baked quitting, but quitting. I’ve hated this job for a long time, and life is too short to spend 40 hours of every week doing work that makes me homicidal. So I’m quitting. I have no idea what I’ll do next. I’ve looked at everything from dog-walker to cheese researcher to ninja. The possibilities are endless. It’s overwhelming and exciting and terrifying. In the best way.

Talking with Eric yesterday:

me:  I’m just typing up my letter of resignation and am having a freak-out moment.
shit’s about to be really real.

Eric:  don’t freak out.
shits about to be AWESOME + .5

me:  just .5??  auuuugggggggghhhhh!

Eric:  maybe I meant *1.5?
AWESOME AND A HALF.

me:  oh. okay…
except i feel like I might vomit.
icansendthis.icansendthis.icansendthis.icansendthis.

Eric: i believe in you.

me:  i was right. i could send it.

Eric:  \o/

me:  \m/
and also whatever the emoticon is for “oh, holy fuck.”

Eric:  uh, no idea.
)(&%$#(&
something like that perhaps?

me:  exactly that.

I do realize that the economy is kind of in the crapper right now and quitting a perfectly good (albeit godawful boring) job to go find my bliss is probably incredibly irresponsible. I do have those moments of clarity. Fortunately for me though, I have super-supportive people in my world. Ones that remind me that change is active. And good. And scary. And sometimes it needs to be irresponsible. Sometimes you just have to jump.

So here I go, friends. I’m jumping.
)(&%$#(&

!!!

I’ve got crabs.

No, not the itchy, irritating, up-in-your-junk kind.

The “going-to-meet-your-friends-for-a-late-lunch-after-an-exhausting-derby-scrimmage-but-getting-stuck-in-standstill-traffic-in-your-non-air-conditioned-car-which-starts-overheating-and-the-only-thing-you-can-do-to-keep-it from-blowing-up-is-to-blast-the-heat-even-though-it’s-8,000-degrees-outside” kind.

The “finally-getting-to-your-destination-to-meet-your-friends-and-after-circling-the-block-five-times-in-your-piece-of-shit-almost-on-fire-car-you-still-can’t-find-a-parking-spot” kind.

The “giving-up-and-going-home” kind.

The “getting-stuck-in-traffic-AGAIN-despite-going-a-different-way” kind.

The “agreeing-to-pick-up-your-boyfriend-at-Tattered-Cover-so-you-can-go-get-groceries-only-to-discover-that-the-road-you-are-taking-to-get-there-is-closed-due-to-the-fucking-USA-Pro-Cycling-Challenge-and-having-to-detour-3.6-miles-out-of-your-way-which-doesn’t-sound-that-far-but-in-stop-and-go-traffic-takes-you-another-45-minutes” kind.

The “the-heater-in-your-car-has-been-on-full-blast-for-over-an-hour-and-it’s-now-about-9,000-degrees-outside-and-about-10,000-in-your-car” kind.

The “haven’t-eaten-since-9-AM-and-it’s-now-3-PM” kind.

The “attempting-to-trick-your-hunger-by-feeding-it-water-but-realizing-too-late-that-your-water-is-boiling-lava-hot” kind.

Yeah, I have that kind.

Although as I write this, I must admit that I am feeling a whole lot better. Apparently gin is an excellent cure for crabs. At least this kind. :)

 

Top 50 Reasons to Shave Your Head

Megan and I came up with a little list today, naming the top 50 reasons why you should shave your head.  As I mentioned yesterday, Megan, my sister Taryn & I are all on a team to raise funds for St. Baldrick’s to help fight childhood cancer.  And we’re all getting our heads shaved on September 15th for the cause!

Speaking of which, have you donated yet?  Click here if you haven’t.  DO IT! :D

This list is really reasons for women to shave their heads, mostly because, well… we’re women.  But I’m sure a lot of these can translate to dudes as well.  Enjoy!

TOP 50 REASONS TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD:

#50 – It cuts your getting ready time in half (at least)!  More sleep – yay!!

#49 – It saves time in the shower, therefore saves water.  Saving the environment – yay!!

#48 – You won’t find pesky hairs all over the bathroom floor or your clothes anymore

#47 – You always have a good hair day!

#46 – Your hair won’t get in your way during workouts and yoga

#45 – Earrings only look more fabulous and eye-popping

#44 – Eye makeup, same thing!

#43 – You won’t get your hair stuck in the car window anymore

#42 – On that same note, you can roll all your car windows down and not have to worry about your hair getting messed up (or blowing in your face)

#41 – You can rub your own head for good luck

#40 – Zombies won’t have anything to grab onto

#39 – If you get caught in a rainstorm, your hair will still rock

#38 – If you’re breakdancing you won’t have to worry about your hair getting tugged during a head-spin

#37 – Kitties will want to nuzzle your head-fuzz

#36 – You won’t need to dye your hair, therefore saving the environment from all those chemicals.  Saving the environment (again!) – yay!!

#35 – You can finally remember what your natural color is

#34 – You’ll save a truckload of money on hair products

#33 – You won’t have to use a blowdryer and sweat your balls off while using it in the summertime

#32 – You won’t have to worry about “hat hair” or “helmet hair”

#31 – You will be “the rad girl with the shaved head” at parties.  Radness – yay!!

#30 – It’s a conversation starter!

#29 – Show off your neck! 

#28 – Show off your ears!

#27 – Less fire-hazard around your noggin’

#26 – Babies won’t pull on your hair when you hold them

#25 – Your friends will want to rub your head.  Free scalp massages – yay!!

#24 – You can tell your grandchildren about that crazy time when grandma shaved her head

#23 – It’s a giant FU to traditional society norms. You’re a rebel – yay!!

#22 – Your Bruce Willis impression will be more authentic

#21 – Your hair won’t get in your food when you’re eating

#20 – You can let your hair grow and be whatever it wants to be

#19 – You won’t get your hair stuck in your lipgloss on a windy day

#18 – You won’t zip your hair into your sweatshirt

#17 – No more split ends!

#16 – You can spoon without getting hair in your partner’s face

#15 – You can easily go to a Halloween party dressed as GI Jane, Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3, Homer Simpson, or that chick from Empire Records

#14 – Nobody singing Sinead O’Connor at karaoke will be more convincing than you

#13 – You can make towel-dried look GOOD

#12 – You can find out if your head is oddly shaped

#11 – You can finally get that skull tattoo you’ve been dreaming about

#10 – You won’t have to wear a “bald cap” to hold down your hair when you wear your crazy-afro-clown wig

#9 – You won’t have to worry about bugs or small animals getting stuck in your hair

#8 – Haircuts are easier and cheaper!

#7 – You can balance things on your head more easily

#6 – If you get gum in your hair, it’ll be a breeze to remove

#5 – No more indentations on your wrist from hair ties.  You don’t need them anymore!

#4 – Instant street cred.  You’re a badass – yay!!

#3 – You can show the world that bald is beautiful

#2 – You can show kids with cancer that it’s cool to not have any hair

#1 – You can raise money that’s essential to research childhood cancer, and help find a way to kick its ASS for good!

And then I died of happiness.

Oh my gosh, you guys. We met The Bloggess and apart from skipping down the street, arm-in-arm while the Three Best Friends song from The Hangover played, it was everything I imagined it to be.

I was maybe just a WEE bit excited about meeting her so Beth and I met before the book-signing to establish some rules.

1) Do NOT try to hump her leg

2) Do NOT hit on her.

3) Do NOT try to impress her by claiming you can fit your entire fist inside your mouth. You cannot actually do that.

4) Do NOT tell her you have a boner.

5) Do NOT cry.

6) Do NOT have a shot of Jameson before the signing.

and 7) Do NOT try to smell her.

I feverishly studied my list as we waited in line to meet her and by the time we stepped up to the table I was calm, cool, and collected. By which I mean, I was completely paralyzed. ALL the words had left my head and my limbs refused to move. I just stood there dumbly, staring and grinning like a creep.

Fortunately, Beth was by my side and NOT frozen like a jackass. She gently pried the book from my arms and slid it across the table to The Bloggess who opened it and found the card we had made for her. She looked at us and I blurted out,

“WE MADE YOU A CARD!”

I think I shouted it. But The Bloggess didn’t even bat an eye at my outburst, she just smiled and nodded reassuringly at me. Cause she’s fucking awesome. Then she read our card and laughed and looked at us and said, “I. love. this.”

And then I died of happiness.

Here are some pictures from our evening:

As advised by Rule #6: Shots of Jameson before the signing.

This is my “I’m-so-excited-I-just-know-I’m-going-to-do-something-stupid” face.

Number 106! Up from 196. Thanks, Juno!!

Posing with the card we made.

Inside of the card. She LOVED it!

Reading from her book.
*swoon*

Juno and Blitz enjoying the hilarity.

And finally…

Notice that I am NOT humping her leg.

 

B.P.S.

Warning: this is another poopy post. Not poopy like bad. Poopy like poopy. Seems to be subject matter y’all enjoy. Weirdos. ;)

So, this post is about beets.  And poop. Specifically, beety poop.

Did you know that when you eat beets, your poop turns purply red? Bloody-looking. Gross, I know, but 100% true. Seriously, look it up. (side note: glitter poop is possible! see search result # 2)

Anyway. Imagine you aren’t aware of this little bit of beets trivia and you enjoy a delicious feast of beets. More realistically, someone sneaks some beets into your salad because they know you would never eat beets on your own terms.  Either way, you’ve eaten the beets and the effects are making their way through your digestive system.

Now imagine it’s the next day and you’ve sipped up your morning coffee, waited everyone out in the bathroom and enjoyed a nice, satisfying poop. But when you get up and turn around to flush, you see (don’t pretend you don’t look. you do.) a whole mess of purply red poo. Terrifying, isn’t it?!

You’re not normally a hypochondriac but suddenly you are convinced you are dying. Is purply red poop a symptom of cancer? Monkeypox? Did you catch SIDS? (that one’s for you, Beth. ;) ) Tennis elbow? That woman did sneeze near you on the elevator. Maybe it’s rabies! The Bubonic Plague? Sure, it all seems unlikely, but then, so does purple poop!

You rush back to your desk and can’t navigate to Google fast enough. As you are frantically punching at the keys, your friend dings in on g-chat:

friend: I just had a poop scare. thought I was bleeding, then realized I ate 2 servings of beets yesterday. *whew.

You pause your frenzied search… : beets??? 

friend: Yeah, there were beets in that salad I made. Eating beets turn your poop purple. Make it look kinda bloody. You knew that, yeah??

You take a second. Beets in the salad. You ate the salad. Eating beets turns your poop purple. You’re not dying!

you: yeah. course I knew that. Feel bad for the poor fool that didn’t though. Bet that was quite a surprise this morning after their coffee.

friend: ha! you totally didn’t know.

you: shut up.

Not that any of this happened to me, you understand. It’s all purely hypothetical. But if it had happened to me, I would first tell Cat how uncool it is to dose someone with beets and then I would come to my blog and impart my beet wisdom to you so that you never had to experience B.P.S.- beet poop shock.

You’re welcome.

Beep Beep.

I don’t normally like to toot my own horn but…. beep fucking beep, people.

This week has been crazy busy with work and school and life and somehow I’ve managed to stay on top of it all. Usually when things get all chaotic, I lock myself in my bathroom and accidentally turn my hair pink. But not this week. This week I did ALL the things. This week I actually worked at work (crazy, I know!). This week I rocked a programming test and did all my homework PLUS extra credit. This week I got all my laundry done. I cleaned my house. I blogged (you’re welcome. ;) ). I spent time with friends. I cooked dinner withOUT setting off the smoke alarm. I even remembered to buy toilet paper before I was all the way out!

Basically, I drop-kicked this week in the face.

If you also kicked the shit out of this week, HIGH FIVE!

If you didn’t necessarily kick ass this week, but more so want to kick this week’s ass, just imagine that’s you up there, cause “Fuck you, This Week!”. Yeah! Nice flying drop-kick! If I were you, I’d toot my own horn about how awesome it was.

Beep fucking beep, friends!

Sometimes my friends are funnier than me

Hard to believe, but true!

The friend I’m talking about here is Cat A Combs (or traditionally known as “Venessa” – what a silly name). :)

Today, my friend Lindsey posted this picture on Facebook.

And so followed with comments…
Venessa (Cat):  Did you do that?
Lindsey: Nope, Cat, that’s Vesalius.
Venessa (Cat): I didn’t know volcanoes could draw! That’s pretty good!

She continued to crack me up throughout the day today….
My (unusually serious) status update:

“Cheap food is an illusion. There is no such thing. The real cost of the food is paid somewhere. If it’s not charged at the cash register, it’s charged to the environment, it’s charged to the people in the form of subsidies, or it’s charged to your health. In the end you get what you pay for.” (via siimplesays)

Venessa (Cat): So it’s better to get the 10 piece chicken nugs at McD’s for 3.99 than the 20 piece for 4.99?
Me: You might have missed the point… just by a couple thousand miles though.
Venessa (Cat):  Oh I see. A Doritos Locos taco instead of the 20 taco bucket. Got it. Thanks for clearing that up. ;)
Me: LOL!! STOP IT! :D
Venessa (Cat): HAHAHAH!

I can only assume that was her maniacal laugh….

So thanks, Cat – for being so hilariously awesome!  You made my day today. :)
And you made this blog post happen.

Go. You!