Full of Hot Air?

Last December Eric and I bought vouchers for a hot air balloon ride with Longmont Hot Air Balloon, LLC. We didn’t want to schedule anything in the winter cause Brrrr! Spring got real busy, real quick, and all of a sudden, summer is almost over. Oops!

Today I had some extra time at work (shocking, I know) so I thought I might contact the company to see about scheduling a ride before we run smack into winter again. A phone call led to a recorded message that directed me to their website.

You guys, I love their website. Seriously. I absolutely could not stop giggling.

From the Home Page:

Special Occasions
Wedding gifts – Birthdays – Anniversaries – Proposals – Sunrises – Divorces – And More!
Divorce really is a special occasion best celebrated with a hot air balloon ride. But there are stipulations-

From the FAQ page:

Special divorce flights do not include real champagne or cake. We have some partially filled bottles of Strawberry Hill and Boone’s Farm we found hidden behind the desk of Jay Leno at “The Tonight Show”.

More from the FAQ page:

Small dogs may be welcome. Little wooden bears, stuffed moose or chipmunks may also be okay–no cats!
Thank goodness I can bring my stuffed moose. Maybe.

With respect for the population and pets on the ground… 
Because even though we hate your cat, we respect it.

…we only intentionally fly over the city, at legal altitudes, once or twice a year.
We do it UNintentionally ALL the time.

All balloon rides are romantic (but the pilot will also be present!).
Kinky.

Family or friends are welcome to go along. But note some people are overly sensitive to brightly colored fabric and wicker.
Well, sure. Who isn’t overly sensitive to wicker?!

Every sunrise and every day is a gift.
Sunflower fields in bloom can be an added bonus.
“Frequently Asked Questions”

Flights from the boulder area are on a limited basis.
when we do fly there we try to look for signs of intelligent life.
ooooohhhhhh.  Burn.

I’m still waiting to hear back from them on a date but I am SO frigging excited for our ride. Boone’s Farm, a stuffed moose, and a voyeuristic pilot- Oh My!

I’ve got crabs.

No, not the itchy, irritating, up-in-your-junk kind.

The “going-to-meet-your-friends-for-a-late-lunch-after-an-exhausting-derby-scrimmage-but-getting-stuck-in-standstill-traffic-in-your-non-air-conditioned-car-which-starts-overheating-and-the-only-thing-you-can-do-to-keep-it from-blowing-up-is-to-blast-the-heat-even-though-it’s-8,000-degrees-outside” kind.

The “finally-getting-to-your-destination-to-meet-your-friends-and-after-circling-the-block-five-times-in-your-piece-of-shit-almost-on-fire-car-you-still-can’t-find-a-parking-spot” kind.

The “giving-up-and-going-home” kind.

The “getting-stuck-in-traffic-AGAIN-despite-going-a-different-way” kind.

The “agreeing-to-pick-up-your-boyfriend-at-Tattered-Cover-so-you-can-go-get-groceries-only-to-discover-that-the-road-you-are-taking-to-get-there-is-closed-due-to-the-fucking-USA-Pro-Cycling-Challenge-and-having-to-detour-3.6-miles-out-of-your-way-which-doesn’t-sound-that-far-but-in-stop-and-go-traffic-takes-you-another-45-minutes” kind.

The “the-heater-in-your-car-has-been-on-full-blast-for-over-an-hour-and-it’s-now-about-9,000-degrees-outside-and-about-10,000-in-your-car” kind.

The “haven’t-eaten-since-9-AM-and-it’s-now-3-PM” kind.

The “attempting-to-trick-your-hunger-by-feeding-it-water-but-realizing-too-late-that-your-water-is-boiling-lava-hot” kind.

Yeah, I have that kind.

Although as I write this, I must admit that I am feeling a whole lot better. Apparently gin is an excellent cure for crabs. At least this kind. :)

 

Top 50 Reasons to Shave Your Head

Megan and I came up with a little list today, naming the top 50 reasons why you should shave your head.  As I mentioned yesterday, Megan, my sister Taryn & I are all on a team to raise funds for St. Baldrick’s to help fight childhood cancer.  And we’re all getting our heads shaved on September 15th for the cause!

Speaking of which, have you donated yet?  Click here if you haven’t.  DO IT! :D

This list is really reasons for women to shave their heads, mostly because, well… we’re women.  But I’m sure a lot of these can translate to dudes as well.  Enjoy!

TOP 50 REASONS TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD:

#50 – It cuts your getting ready time in half (at least)!  More sleep – yay!!

#49 – It saves time in the shower, therefore saves water.  Saving the environment – yay!!

#48 – You won’t find pesky hairs all over the bathroom floor or your clothes anymore

#47 – You always have a good hair day!

#46 – Your hair won’t get in your way during workouts and yoga

#45 – Earrings only look more fabulous and eye-popping

#44 – Eye makeup, same thing!

#43 – You won’t get your hair stuck in the car window anymore

#42 – On that same note, you can roll all your car windows down and not have to worry about your hair getting messed up (or blowing in your face)

#41 – You can rub your own head for good luck

#40 – Zombies won’t have anything to grab onto

#39 – If you get caught in a rainstorm, your hair will still rock

#38 – If you’re breakdancing you won’t have to worry about your hair getting tugged during a head-spin

#37 – Kitties will want to nuzzle your head-fuzz

#36 – You won’t need to dye your hair, therefore saving the environment from all those chemicals.  Saving the environment (again!) – yay!!

#35 – You can finally remember what your natural color is

#34 – You’ll save a truckload of money on hair products

#33 – You won’t have to use a blowdryer and sweat your balls off while using it in the summertime

#32 – You won’t have to worry about “hat hair” or “helmet hair”

#31 – You will be “the rad girl with the shaved head” at parties.  Radness – yay!!

#30 – It’s a conversation starter!

#29 – Show off your neck! 

#28 – Show off your ears!

#27 – Less fire-hazard around your noggin’

#26 – Babies won’t pull on your hair when you hold them

#25 – Your friends will want to rub your head.  Free scalp massages – yay!!

#24 – You can tell your grandchildren about that crazy time when grandma shaved her head

#23 – It’s a giant FU to traditional society norms. You’re a rebel – yay!!

#22 – Your Bruce Willis impression will be more authentic

#21 – Your hair won’t get in your food when you’re eating

#20 – You can let your hair grow and be whatever it wants to be

#19 – You won’t get your hair stuck in your lipgloss on a windy day

#18 – You won’t zip your hair into your sweatshirt

#17 – No more split ends!

#16 – You can spoon without getting hair in your partner’s face

#15 – You can easily go to a Halloween party dressed as GI Jane, Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3, Homer Simpson, or that chick from Empire Records

#14 – Nobody singing Sinead O’Connor at karaoke will be more convincing than you

#13 – You can make towel-dried look GOOD

#12 – You can find out if your head is oddly shaped

#11 – You can finally get that skull tattoo you’ve been dreaming about

#10 – You won’t have to wear a “bald cap” to hold down your hair when you wear your crazy-afro-clown wig

#9 – You won’t have to worry about bugs or small animals getting stuck in your hair

#8 – Haircuts are easier and cheaper!

#7 – You can balance things on your head more easily

#6 – If you get gum in your hair, it’ll be a breeze to remove

#5 – No more indentations on your wrist from hair ties.  You don’t need them anymore!

#4 – Instant street cred.  You’re a badass – yay!!

#3 – You can show the world that bald is beautiful

#2 – You can show kids with cancer that it’s cool to not have any hair

#1 – You can raise money that’s essential to research childhood cancer, and help find a way to kick its ASS for good!

Going Bald & IUD

Yesterday Megan and I decided to join my little sister with her fundraising efforts for an upcoming St. Baldrick’s event.  They help raise research money to prevent childhood cancer.  Pretty rad, huh?  So we’ll be shaving our heads to help sick kids.  Yes, you heard that right!  Here’s a link to our team page if you wanna donate:

http://www.stbaldricks.org/teams/mypage/79697/2012

If you don’t donate, this squirrel will eat your face off.

(Edit by Megan: In all seriousness, that squirrel is probably going to eat your face off anyway- cause THAT’S WHAT SQUIRRELS DO! But you might as well donate some money. That way you can still feel good about yourself even when you don’t have a face.)

So basically, we’re going to have a couple of Nearly Bald Bobs pretty soon.  And a lot more sleeping-in time in the morning.  WOOT!

On a slightly more uncomfortable note, I also signed up for another research study today – this time for an IUD.

If you guys don’t know what an IUD is, you’re either:
A) A very uninformed guy that needs to learn the importance of birth control, and start understanding all the bullshit women have to go through to not have babies even though YOU GUYS are the ones that fertilize the goddamn egg, so it’s your damn fault if we get pregnant too, but apparently in our society it’s only OUR damn responsibility because you guys whine that you “can’t feel anything” when you wear a goddamn condom.*

or B) A very uninformed girl that might be OK with havin’ a baby in the next few years.

The basics are, it’s this little thingy that sits on your cervix and creates a barrier so no sperm can get up in there, and it prevents you poopin’ out any babies 99% of the time for up to 5 years.  That’s the VERY basics.

Of course, the insertion is pretty painful.  I told John about it afterwards on G-chat.

Me: THAT. SUCKED.
John: Really?
Me:  YES.  I’m never having children if it feels even remotely like that.  And I have a feeling it’s much worse, so therefore I’m never having children.  I should have just had them remove my entire reproductive system while they were in there.
John:  Youch.
Me:  Yeah.  By the way, scooting to the appointment was a BAD idea.  Can men take birth control now?
John:  I’m sorry babe.  If I could take a pill every day, I totally would.
Me:  Thank you.
John:  I heard in India they’re coming up with a male birth control that could last up to 10-years, and it’s reversable!
Me:  Well, wouldn’t THAT be nice!!  Of course we live in a country where male ass-wipes are in charge and there’s no damn way they would let men be responsible for birth control.
John:  Yah.  But if they did, I’d do it.
Me:  I know you would.  You’re one of the GOOD ones.
John:  Haha!
Me:  I’ll try & explain how it felt when they put that thing all up in there… Imagine your worst diarrhea ever, PLUS your worst farting cramps ever.
John:  Yikes. No thanks. I’m sorry babe.
Me:  I’m not done yet.  Then multiply it times 10, and add a little gnome stabbing you from the inside.  

Yeah, that’s pretty accurate. Little shitbag.

John:  YIKES.
Me:  Yah.  I’m doing better now – taking lots of drugs.  However, according to the doctor I could get acne breakouts.  Apparently the birth control that I’ve been taking since forever surpresses that, and when you go off it your body goes a bit crazy.  I could also gain weight.
So with the head-shaving event and the IUD – I’ll be bald, zitty, and fat.
Will you still love me?
John:  Hahaha!  Yep.
Me:  GOOD.  I’m holding you to that.  Good thing I at least have fantastic boobs.
John:  YEP!  ( . )( . ) boobies!
Me:  Always such a charmer, you.

*My doctor did mention that I might get a little “moody” as a side effect of the procedure.  My apologies, guys.  Unless you really are one of those guys – then you can FUCK RIGHT OFF.**

**Whoops.  Sorry again.

Prepping for Burning Man

John is leaving to go to Burning Man this weekend, so we hit up some thrift stores around town to get him some costume stuff.

The evening consisted mostly of me being distracted by awesome stuff for myself, and not helping John much at all.  It also resulted in some of the funniest / weirdest conversations we’ve ever had.  Which says a lot, as you probably know.

Me: *holding up pink blazer* “What about this?”
John: “I already have a pink blazer.”
Me: “Yeah, but is it THIS color pink?”
John: “No……”
Me: “Exactly.  And this one has shoulder pads.”

——-

Me: “Oooooo – look at these purple slipper thingies!”
John: “You’re not helping…”
Me:  “Yes, I am!  These are awesome…. for me.”
John:  “We’re supposed to be finding stuff for me!”
Me: *sighs and puts slippers back* “Oooohhhhkay….”
——10 minutes later—–
John: *begins to try on the purple slippers*
Me: “Uhm, those are the slippers I was just trying on – they’re gonna be to small for you.”
John: “They are?”
Me: “Yes.  Pay attention.  Those will fall off your feet at burning man anyway.  And more importantly, they’re much cuter on me.”

Suddenly, a song starts playing over the sound system – a beat which I know well.  I look up at John in shock.

John: “What?”
Me: “Holy shitballs.”
John: “What!??”
Me:  “We just got Rick Rolled*.”
John:  *laughing* “Holy crap, that’s awesome.”

We found many goodies while we were out (and yes, I did come home with a large red & white striped popcorn bowl.  Because who doesn’t need that!??), and also a pair of vibrating slippers that I REALLY wanted to buy, but realized that I have 2 pairs of slippers at home and I was being ridiculous.

DAMN.  I should have bought them.

We even stopped for some frozen custard on the way home.  It was SOOO YUMMY and we both felt like fat-asses by the time we got back.  But that didn’t stop John from asking….

John: “Can you find your fishnets so that I can try them on?”
Me: “Sure!” 
*long pause*
Me:  “Wow, did that just happen?”

Anyway, I think John is pretty well prepared for his Burning Man trip now.

He’s so ready, it’s kind of scary. No really, he’s freaking me out.

*if you don’t know what it means to get “Rick Rolled” you should probably just crawl out from under that rock you’ve been living under and find out. :)

And then I died of happiness.

Oh my gosh, you guys. We met The Bloggess and apart from skipping down the street, arm-in-arm while the Three Best Friends song from The Hangover played, it was everything I imagined it to be.

I was maybe just a WEE bit excited about meeting her so Beth and I met before the book-signing to establish some rules.

1) Do NOT try to hump her leg

2) Do NOT hit on her.

3) Do NOT try to impress her by claiming you can fit your entire fist inside your mouth. You cannot actually do that.

4) Do NOT tell her you have a boner.

5) Do NOT cry.

6) Do NOT have a shot of Jameson before the signing.

and 7) Do NOT try to smell her.

I feverishly studied my list as we waited in line to meet her and by the time we stepped up to the table I was calm, cool, and collected. By which I mean, I was completely paralyzed. ALL the words had left my head and my limbs refused to move. I just stood there dumbly, staring and grinning like a creep.

Fortunately, Beth was by my side and NOT frozen like a jackass. She gently pried the book from my arms and slid it across the table to The Bloggess who opened it and found the card we had made for her. She looked at us and I blurted out,

“WE MADE YOU A CARD!”

I think I shouted it. But The Bloggess didn’t even bat an eye at my outburst, she just smiled and nodded reassuringly at me. Cause she’s fucking awesome. Then she read our card and laughed and looked at us and said, “I. love. this.”

And then I died of happiness.

Here are some pictures from our evening:

As advised by Rule #6: Shots of Jameson before the signing.

This is my “I’m-so-excited-I-just-know-I’m-going-to-do-something-stupid” face.

Number 106! Up from 196. Thanks, Juno!!

Posing with the card we made.

Inside of the card. She LOVED it!

Reading from her book.
*swoon*

Juno and Blitz enjoying the hilarity.

And finally…

Notice that I am NOT humping her leg.

 

To sum up…

I haven’t forgotten about you guys, I swear! Things just got a little crazy there for a second.
Here’s a quick recap of the last few weeks:

Remember that I was taking a programming class? I finished it.
I learned that:

1) The Powerpuff Girls are NOT still a thing and that referencing them in a room full of 19 year old boys does NOT win you any cool points.

2) After eight weeks of class, I still don’t know dick about computers.

3) If you repeatedly ask your computer, “What the fuck??”, your professor will eventually get tired of raising his eyebrows at you and come take a look at your program and ask you “What the fuck??”

4) Taco Bell is still disgusting.

The same week I finished the class, I moved. I’m now sharing a house with 4 other people. My rent is super cheap and I can afford food again but I have to wear pants in the kitchen. Sometimes you have to compromise with yourself. This is what it means to make grown-up decisions, friends.

And THEN, the day after I moved, I went on vacation for a week. Here’s a picture that was inspired by the pre-vaca shopping:

Despite leaving for vacation feeling like Willa the Whale and despite almost getting killed by chipmunks while ON vacation, I managed to have a nice, relaxing time and I promise to tell you all about it soon.

For now, I have to focus all my energies on how to make a lasting impression on The Bloggess (one of my personal heros!) without inspiring a restraining order. She’s in Denver this evening for a book signing!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Packing for Camping

I love my dad, and this is the first time in a very long time that we’ve gone camping together.  It’s funny when the daughter surpasses the father when it comes to being low-maintenance when camping.

Dad:  So, is there going to be a place where I can shower?
Me:  SHOWER!?  Are you kidding?  We’ll be gone for 2 nights!
Dad:  I know, but I like to be clean.
Me:  Dad, we’re camping.  It’s the only time it’s perfectly acceptable in civilized society to avoid showering for 3 or more days.
Dad:  So what about water?  Where will we get that?
Me:  We’ll bring it with us!
Dad:  And bathrooms?
Me:  The world is our bathroom!  As humans, we are already pretty good at treating it as such, so it shouldn’t be a big jump for ya.
Dad:  Wow, so this is real camping?
Me:  Yes, as camping as camping gets.  Except we’ll be parked right by our tents.  And using stoves and stuff.  So not exactly serious camping, but kind of serious no-bathroom-no-shower camping.  That’s about as serious as I get.
Dad:  OK, I might still buy a camping shower.

See what I mean?

Me:  My dad just called.  He actually did buy a shower!  He is going a bit nutty about organizing this whole camping thing. 
John:  Gee, I wonder who you get it from?
Me:  Shut up.  I’m not THAT bad.
John:  This coming from the girl who TYPED her camping checklist, and started packing a week ago.
Me:  It doesn’t hurt to be organized.
John:  More like anal.
Me:  Hey, I’m not anal!  I’m just being thorough with my packing.  My dad is the one who is totally packing-anal.
John: …
Me:  Wow, that came out all wrong, didn’t it?
John:  Yep.