Warning: this is another poopy post. Not poopy like bad. Poopy like poopy. Seems to be subject matter y’all enjoy. Weirdos.
So, this post is about beets. And poop. Specifically, beety poop.
Did you know that when you eat beets, your poop turns purply red? Bloody-looking. Gross, I know, but 100% true. Seriously, look it up. (side note: glitter poop is possible! see search result # 2)
Anyway. Imagine you aren’t aware of this little bit of beets trivia and you enjoy a delicious feast of beets. More realistically, someone sneaks some beets into your salad because they know you would never eat beets on your own terms. Either way, you’ve eaten the beets and the effects are making their way through your digestive system.
Now imagine it’s the next day and you’ve sipped up your morning coffee, waited everyone out in the bathroom and enjoyed a nice, satisfying poop. But when you get up and turn around to flush, you see (don’t pretend you don’t look. you do.) a whole mess of purply red poo. Terrifying, isn’t it?!
You’re not normally a hypochondriac but suddenly you are convinced you are dying. Is purply red poop a symptom of cancer? Monkeypox? Did you catch SIDS? (that one’s for you, Beth. ) Tennis elbow? That woman did sneeze near you on the elevator. Maybe it’s rabies! The Bubonic Plague? Sure, it all seems unlikely, but then, so does purple poop!
You rush back to your desk and can’t navigate to Google fast enough. As you are frantically punching at the keys, your friend dings in on g-chat:
friend: I just had a poop scare. thought I was bleeding, then realized I ate 2 servings of beets yesterday. *whew.
You pause your frenzied search… : beets???
friend: Yeah, there were beets in that salad I made. Eating beets turn your poop purple. Make it look kinda bloody. You knew that, yeah??
You take a second. Beets in the salad. You ate the salad. Eating beets turns your poop purple. You’re not dying!
you: yeah. course I knew that. Feel bad for the poor fool that didn’t though. Bet that was quite a surprise this morning after their coffee.
friend: ha! you totally didn’t know.
you: shut up.
Not that any of this happened to me, you understand. It’s all purely hypothetical. But if it had happened to me, I would first tell Cat how uncool it is to dose someone with beets and then I would come to my blog and impart my beet wisdom to you so that you never had to experience B.P.S.- beet poop shock.