Riding in Cars with Comedians

As part of my job, I’m sometimes required to help drive comedians to press interviews (TV & Radio).  I work at a comedy club, so it happens.  Sometimes they are super cool, sometimes they are hungover, sometimes they hit on me, sometimes they are grumpy little bitches, sometimes they are so…ahem…large…(fat, I said it), that they barely fit into my car.

So yeah, I have some stories.
Here are some funny ones!

GLENN WOOL

Glenn Wool is a pretty rad dude from Canada that’s made quite a name for himself up North in America’s Hat.  During the car ride, I mentioned that I played roller derby – which is always a nice conversational piece since it makes the small-talk a bit more interesting.

While we were returning back downtown from one of his interviews at a rock station, we turned on the radio, and Glenn immediately started drumming on the dashboard to a certain rock song that came on.  Evidently it was an Alice in Chains song, but I had no idea (I’m not exactly a fan).

Me:  “Uhm… who is this?”
Glenn:  “WHO IS…WHAT?? NO!!  I WILL ROLLER DERBY YOU RIGHT OUTTA THIS CAR!”

First time I’ve ever heard “Roller Derby” used as a verb.  It was pretty funny, and I’ve always been more than happy to drive him to press interviews since.

DAVID ALAN GRIER

A little back story here…. I used to drive a little bitty blue Hyundai Accent.  I loved that damn car.  It was the perfect size to fit into just about any parking space, I loved that it was a manual (sometimes I drive John’s car just so that I can shift again!), and it was MINE – I didn’t owe a penny on it.

My dad always used to tell me that the car was kind of a junker though, and was always asking me when I was getting a new one.  What!?  Get rid of Audrey??  NO WAY, man!  She’s awesome!

A few weeks later I picked up David Alan Grier for a TV interview.  He got into my car, and the first thing he said was:  “Hey, this is a nice little car!  I like it!”

My jaw dropped, and I laughed in surprise.

I explained to him about my dad, and how he never really liked my car.

Me:  “Can I PLEASE tell him that David Alan Grier likes my car?”
DAG: “Absolutely!  This is a nice little vehicle right here.  It’s pretty great!  You can zip around, but it’s surprisingly spacious inside.  What more do you need?”
Me: “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!  Thank you!”

JENNIFER COOLIDGE

Now, I had no idea what to expect when I met Jennifer Coolidge.  I absolutely LOVED her in “Best In Show” – her part was ridiculously hilarious, and total comedy genius.

It was an early-morning TV interview, so pick-up was probably around 6:30am.  When she walked out of the hotel she had barely any makeup on (if any), and her hair was kind of a mess (like she just rolled out of bed).  She still looked absolutely gorgeous though, so I figured she was just rockin’ the laid-back look.

TV stations are BIG TIME sticklers about what time you arrive there, and what time you go on.  If you’re late, they get really mad – they’re on a very tight schedule.  We were right on time, and had about 5 minutes before Jennifer’s interview.  As they were getting her mic’d up, she turns to me and goes, “Oh, my GOD – there’s going to be a makeup and hair person, right?”

Me: “Uhm… no.  This is just a local TV station…. uhhhhh…”
Jennifer:  “Oh sheeeaaaat.”

I couldn’t help but giggle (she sounded exactly like her character in Best in Show when she said that), but she made do with what she had – put her hair up in a quick bun, and quickly swiped on some lipstick.  What cracked me up is that she spent the most time frantically trying to stick on some fake nails that she had in her purse from a drugstore! So hilarious.

She made it on air just fine, and looked lovely.  She was supa sweet.

JAKE JOHANNSEN

Jake is the nicest fella ever, and I always love taking him to press.  He’s so easy peasy, and so much fun!  The last time we had a conversation about zombies for some reason (not the first time I’ve had a zombie conversation with Jake – we always seem to get on the topic – maybe that’s why we bond so well?) – it went something like this:

Me: “Do you ever think about the zombie apocalypse?”
Jake: “All the time.  It’s more about WHEN it’s going to happen though, right?  Not IF it’s going to happen.”
Me: “THAT’S WHAT I’M ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE!”
Jake: “Right??  But really, you’re pretty safe right?  I mean, Comedy Works is kind of a fortress in itself?”
Me: “True.  It’s got big heavy doors.  You could hide down there for a while without the zombies even smelling you.”
Jake: “And there are only so many entrances.  It’s pretty fortified.”
Me: “And there’s an endless amount of fried food in the back.  Well, not ENDLESS, but it’s there.”
Jake:  “I’d think that’s a good place to hunker down when the zombies come.”

Yeah, he’s awesome.

Then what made it even COOLER was that about a week later he was on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, AND HE MENTIONS THE ZOMBIES.  Yeah, I freaked out a little bit.  I’m the one who started that conversation.

Here is the video clip – you have to watch his stand-up set first before the interview, but you won’t regret it.  He mentions it at the 6:24 mark… (He’s so funny)…

And just so you know  – YES – there are a few divas out there.  But luckily the majority of the comics I’ve met have not fallen into that category.  I’m not going to bad mouth anyone here because a couple of them hang out with very bad-ass looking individuals that could snap my neck in two with their pinkie fingers.  By accident.

So I’ll stick with the funny, thanks. :)

Beep Beep.

I don’t normally like to toot my own horn but…. beep fucking beep, people.

This week has been crazy busy with work and school and life and somehow I’ve managed to stay on top of it all. Usually when things get all chaotic, I lock myself in my bathroom and accidentally turn my hair pink. But not this week. This week I did ALL the things. This week I actually worked at work (crazy, I know!). This week I rocked a programming test and did all my homework PLUS extra credit. This week I got all my laundry done. I cleaned my house. I blogged (you’re welcome. ;) ). I spent time with friends. I cooked dinner withOUT setting off the smoke alarm. I even remembered to buy toilet paper before I was all the way out!

Basically, I drop-kicked this week in the face.

If you also kicked the shit out of this week, HIGH FIVE!

If you didn’t necessarily kick ass this week, but more so want to kick this week’s ass, just imagine that’s you up there, cause “Fuck you, This Week!”. Yeah! Nice flying drop-kick! If I were you, I’d toot my own horn about how awesome it was.

Beep fucking beep, friends!

Sometimes my friends are funnier than me

Hard to believe, but true!

The friend I’m talking about here is Cat A Combs (or traditionally known as “Venessa” – what a silly name). :)

Today, my friend Lindsey posted this picture on Facebook.

And so followed with comments…
Venessa (Cat):  Did you do that?
Lindsey: Nope, Cat, that’s Vesalius.
Venessa (Cat): I didn’t know volcanoes could draw! That’s pretty good!

She continued to crack me up throughout the day today….
My (unusually serious) status update:

“Cheap food is an illusion. There is no such thing. The real cost of the food is paid somewhere. If it’s not charged at the cash register, it’s charged to the environment, it’s charged to the people in the form of subsidies, or it’s charged to your health. In the end you get what you pay for.” (via siimplesays)

Venessa (Cat): So it’s better to get the 10 piece chicken nugs at McD’s for 3.99 than the 20 piece for 4.99?
Me: You might have missed the point… just by a couple thousand miles though.
Venessa (Cat):  Oh I see. A Doritos Locos taco instead of the 20 taco bucket. Got it. Thanks for clearing that up. ;)
Me: LOL!! STOP IT! :D
Venessa (Cat): HAHAHAH!

I can only assume that was her maniacal laugh….

So thanks, Cat – for being so hilariously awesome!  You made my day today. :)
And you made this blog post happen.

Go. You!

 

Everybody poops.

I debated sharing this tale. I was trying to pretend that I was more mature than pooping stories. I’m not.

This was a few days ago. I was at work and my morning coffee had worked it’s magic. I made my way down the hall to the bathroom and waited for it to clear out.

Yes, I’m one of those people that won’t poop unless I’m alone in the bathroom. Props to you if you can just let loose in there. I can’t. I know, I know, everybody poops. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. And I have no problem talking about it. But I clench right up at the possibility of anyone else actually hearing me evacuate my bowels.

So I waited.

Checked Facebook on my phone. Responded to an email.

Finally all the flushes had died out and it sounded like the last person had left the bathroom. Just to make sure I hadn’t miscounted or that no one new had come in, I peeked under the wall of my stall to check for neighboring feet.

I was not alone.

There was another shy pooper. One who had also decided, at that very moment, to scope out her surroundings.

We made eye contact.

Big, deer in the headlights, eye contact.

I snapped back up and stared at the wall of the stall, stunned. Holy awkward, Batman.

What the crap do we do now?? We both knew the other was there. We both knew why the other was there. And we both knew that one of us was going to have to leave if either of us was to get any relief.

And so we waited.

And waited.

(It was probably only a minute or two but when you are in a quiet bathroom trying your very best NOT to poop when you desperately NEED to poop, a few minutes is an eternity!)

And we waited some more.

And finally, I heard clothes rustling and the zip of a zipper.

VICTORY!

You may be wondering why I didn’t just go on and poop if I had to poop so badly. I wondered that too. Did I really care if she heard me?? Was that fear so big that it trumped my own comfort? Maybe. Honestly though, the real reason I held it in is because to poop would have meant letting her win and I just couldn’t do that.

Have I mentioned that I’m competitive? At everything.

Back to School

So, I did it. I dusted off the old Trapper Keeper and went back to school.

I’m taking a couple of VERY basic computer programming classes. Yesterday was the first day and I’ve already learned a few things:

1) My classmates are too young to understand a Trapper Keeper reference. If I’m going to joke with these people, I need to find some age-appropriate material. Are the Powerpuff girls still a thing?

2) I don’t know dick about computers.

3) Computers do not respond when you ask them, “What the fuck?!” Professors do. with raised eyebrows.

4) There is a Taco Bell on campus.

It’s gonna be an interesting summer. Wish me luck!

There’s something worse than kids on a flight…

Last weekend I went on a trip to Pennsylvania to visit family.

Our outbound flights were quiet.  Oh-so-beautifully quiet.  I don’t think there was one child anywhere on the flight.  It was bliss.  I read.  I napped.  Heaven.

The flights back were a little different, but nothing could have prepared me for what was in store.

2 children under the age of 5 sat in the row in front of me.
1 baby was just across the row to my left.
Behind me were 2 children, probably 5 and 8.

Sigh.

I know that (most) parents do everything they can to keep kids entertained and quiet when on a flight – they don’t want to be THOSE parents, and they don’t want their kids to be THOSE kids – and I can understand that.  Luckily, none of the kids around me were obnoxious – they were very well-behaved, and very cute.  Aside from a few kicks to the back of my seat, they were nothing to whine about.

Then there was the 65-year-old woman sitting next to me.

She began coughing initially, and barely covering her mouth.  Then she opens up a cooler and pulls out a leg of chicken wrapped in foil, and just starts mowing down on it.  Smacking and chewing and slurping.  *shudder.  It was awful and totally disgusting.

Not that I'm against chicken in foil, but I'd rather not HEAR you eating it. Uck.

Then the rest of the flight, what did she do?

Fart.

Yes, she farted probably every 30-minutes the rest of the flight.  Horrible, stinky, foil-wrapped-chicken farts.

And she kept coughing.

And she went back into her cooler again for more chicken.

If you’ve ever seen Home for the Holidays, it’s the woman that sits next to Holly Hunter on her flight.  She wasn’t quite as talkative (thank GOD), but she was as gross!

Here’s a trailer since I couldn’t find that specific clip.  It actually is a really good movie if you haven’t seen it:

Anyway, I did make it through the flight, even with her stinky awful farting and coughing and chicken breath.

Although the next day I started feeling sick.  Thanks, coughing/farting/chicken lady.

Believe it or not, I found the thing that’s worse than being surrounded by children on a flight.  At least kids will giggle when they fart so that you can be warned to plug your nose.