Vegetarians eat vegetables

The other day while I was at work, one of the girls in my office came in to announce that she was ordering pizza for everyone.

She looked directly at me and said, “Don’t worry Beth, I know you’re vegetarian.  We’ll get you a cheese pizza.”

Huh?

I mean, SURE I love cheese pizza as much as the next guy.  But why do people just assume that the vegetarians will be happy with a pizza topped with absolutely no vegetables at all?

Not a single lowly vegetable sprig in sight. *tear

I know this might be surprising to people, but I did not become a vegetarian just because I think meat is disgusting.  It’s also because I FUCKING LIKE VEGETABLES!

YES, I love cheese.  LOVE IT with my heart and soul.  But I LOVE vegetables too.  And fruits.  And pizza.  All the essentials.

NO I AM NOT SMITING YOU!! I just like you WITH my vegetables.

So the next time you’re ordering a pizza for your vegetarian friend – maybe stop and think for a moment before just getting cheese.  Because although the FDA has declared tomato sauce a “vegetable”, it just doesn’t cut it.

LOAD SOME VEGGIES ON THAT SHIT!!

AWWWW YEAH. That's what I'm talkin' about.

I just decided what you’re going home and ordering tonight, didn’t I?  Thank you Google Image Search for making people hungry with pictures. :)

 

We don’t always have to like the same things

The other day I was texting with my friend Mike about a movie I wanted to go see…

Me:  “I wanna go see Cabin in the Woods, but I can’t find anyone to go with me.  I know John would go but he’s out of town!”
Mike:  “Don’t see it.  It’s awful.  I walked out halfway through.”
Me: “REALLY!?  But I heard it was SO GOOD!”
Mike: “It’s awful, trust me.”

Well, since I’m such a good friend, I decided to completely ignore his advice, and see the movie anyway the moment John got back into town.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

YES. AWESOME.

Seriously, this was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while.  It was unique, clever, scary, witty, gory, magical – basically everything awesome all in one place.  And there were zombies.  And a unicorn.  And a MERMAN!

I guess it’s a bit hard to explain, but let’s just say it was written by Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly – two of the best shows ever), and Drew Goddard (co-writer of Buffy, and Cloverfield).  So basically two badass guys making a horror flick.  Friggin’ awesome.

I told Mike that I’d seen the movie and explained (with many exclamation points) that I couldn’t believe he didn’t love it so much that he wanted to puke.  Then I asked a VERY important question…

Me:  “Wait a second…. do you like ‘Shaun of the Dead‘?”
Mike:  “It was okay.”

To me, if you like the same things that I do, the proper response would be “YES I FRIGGIN LOVE THAT MOVIE – it’s total comedic / horror genius!!” – or at least something along those lines.

So I therefore realized that Mike and I can no longer be friends.

KIDDING.  We just can’t ever watch movies together.  Or anything with zombies in it.

‘Tis a sad day for our friendship.
And for zombie movies.

You (didn’t) ask for it!

You know how you guys begged and begged us to put together some merch for you to buy?? Okay, maybe begged isn’t exactly accurate. Perhaps nodded politely when we drunkenly mentioned it is more in tune. Weeeellllll… we listened to your polite nod and we did it! We opened up a Zazzle store.

Since I am complete design moron if the tools are more elaborate than pencil, paper, and washable marker, I’ve only managed to get two pictures manipulated and uploaded. But they are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. And I do.

Here’s a peek:

 You remember the “Whirlwind of Fuck“?    It looks even better on a tee-shirt, huh?!       
Your coffee never tasted better!

We also have buttons and stickers and key-chains. Oh my! And we will have even more things available soon. Right after I fist-fight my design software into submission.

Zazzle gives us a percentage of every sale. So, ya know, go buy some of our crap totally awesome stuff that you absolutely need. We plan to use the money to retire on a beach in South America. We’ll invite you over for daiquiris. Served in asshat mugs, of course.

Note: You may need to change the Content Filter to see all the products in our store. There’s a little tabby thing on the left. Just change the filer from SAFE to OFF and then you can shop your pretty little face off!!

Think Pink

Real online conversation with John today…

John: i splurged and got us something. hahah!
Me: Oooo fun! Is it another hose attachment or sprinkler?
John: hehe, even better.
Me: Oooo – FUN! Is it a PONY? I’m still waiting on that… :)
John: hahaha – nope.  i wanted something fun for the slush jam ski party, and since it came as a 2 pack…. (see below)

foreverlazy.com

Me: NO. YOU. DIDN’T.
John: yeah, i thought it’d be funny
Me: Oh my gosh – we’re going to be the two most popular people on the slope.
John: i saw a picture of jon heder (napoleon dynamite) and pedro from the movie weiring them at the packers/giants game.  it looked hilarious. so i wanted one.
Me: I appreciate you including me in the ridiculousness.
John: wow, “weiring”? wtf am i smoking
Me: I dunno, but save me some!
John: of course! we love ridiculousnessness
Me: What color did you get!?
John: pink
Me: BOTH of them in pink!? Can I wear bunny ears with mine!? And maybe a sassy belt?
John: yeah, i couldn’t do 1 blue and 1 pink. so i got both pink
Me: You’re a good man.
John: cuz i don’t give a crap, i’ll wear pink. even funnier.
Me: Shit yeah! You are hilarious, and I am totally thrilled about this. Maybe a little too much.
John: good. i was wondering if you’d be gung-ho
Me: Hellz yeah I am! Now I just need to figure out where to find bunny ears!
John: hahaha
Me: I hope we’re not roasting if it’s hot up there! We should BOTH wear bikini tops underneath, just in case.
John: yesss! and banana hammocks.
Me: I <3 you.
John: awww ;) i <3 you 2.
Me: You had me at banana hammocks.

 

All I want..

Yesterday afternoon, I went out with a few friends after roller derby practice. I had recently confessed to them various frustrations I was having. Job, money, the usual life-y kind of crap. We sat and chatted for a bit over a couple of beers. Meaning, I whined for an hour and they listened patiently. I really do have the greatest friends. :)

In an effort to give me advice, or perhaps to get me to shut up, one of them said to me, “Just ask for what you want. It’s that simple.”

That seems simple enough. I’m not sure who I’m asking though… You? Her? that old dude over there? Bette Midler? (don’t laugh, that bitch gets things done!), my fairy Godmother? your fairy Godmother? I suppose it’s not important. Who I’m asking isn’t really the point. The point is to simply ask.

So… To Whom It May Concern,

I want:

-the ability to fart skittles.

-a laundry ninja.

-all my bills to pay themselves.

-to be the Princess of Power (She-Ra is cool but I think I could do a better job.)

-a pony for Beth.

-someone to clean up Beth’s pony’s poop.

-a job that I love and that loves me back. (not in a romantic way though, that’d be weird.)

-a stain fairy to follow me around and take care of my spills.

-the ability to sit still for the 10 minutes it takes for my nails to dry after I paint them.

-my dishes to do themselves.

-Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. (not the DVD, the actual adventure.)

-to eat whatever I want and never get fat.

-the ability to cook. (translation: my own personal chef).

-a pack of adoring fans complete with a stalker. not a creepy, threatening, douchewagony, smells like cabbage one though. a nice one that smells like cinnamon.

-boatloads of money.

-a marina to store all those boats.

-guards to guard my marina.

and

-a bird hat.

 

Oh, and

-health, wealth, and happiness for my all loved ones. (I’m not totally selfish.)

 

 

(Thanks for the advice, Juno. I really do appreciate it despite my smartass approach here. ;) )

(Also, thanks, Beth, for your help with my list. <3)

CAN WE GET SOME LATEX GLOVES OVER HERE!?

Last night, after a particularly crappy day, I stopped at Target on my way home to use a gift card that I received from doing a clinical trial study.

Yes, I make money sometimes for donating my body to science.  We’ve been over this.

ANYhoodle, I realized I needed latex gloves while I was there, and I was having a hell of a time finding them.  Stop your snickering (I’m looking at you, Megan) – I was getting them so that I could use my hippie organic henna hairdye that does not come with gloves because hippies make it and seem to have a “you’re on your own” mentality about finding your own supplies.  Damn hippies.

Latex gloves - no longer just for rectal exams!

I tracked down the nearest store employee, and asked her were I could find them.
She picks up her walkie-talkie and yells – I’m not even kidding – YELLS: “HEY TEAM!! CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE LATEX GLOVES?  YES, LATEX GLOVES!

I was mortified.  I don’t think she realized that walkie-talkies actually amplify your voice when you speak into them – there’s no need to fucking yell!!  When you think of latex gloves, do YOU think of hairdye?  Of course you don’t!  Like any normal perverted American citizen, you think of something dirty and sex-act-related.  Because that’s who we are.  Large, demented, mostly overweight children.  AMERICANS.

After a ridiculous amount of searching (with no real help from the store employee since I ended up finding them on my own), I had one more question to ask her.  Which looking back, was probably bad timing.

Me: “Don’t you guys sell wine here?”
Sales lady: *judgmental look* “No…….”
Me: “Oh, it’s just that at the other Target you guys sell wine.”
Sales lady: “No, we only sell 3.2 beer here.  Sorry.”

I then realized she probably thought I was buying the latex gloves to do something dirty and sex-act-related.  And that I needed a bottle of wine to get the job done.

Awesome.

Zombie Survival Map

This could come in pretty darn handy when the zombies (and hey, let’s face it – the squirrels too) come to kill us all.

http://www.mapofthedead.com/

According to the map, the area in which I live is a pretty darn big danger zone….and nowhere close to a gun store.  DAMMIT!  And I thought I lived in the ghetto?

Hmmm... according this map, I'm right on the corner of "Face Eaten Off", and "Arm Gnawed Off". I'm in trouble.

Looks like I should really be preparing a bit more.  Especially since Patagonia is listed as an “outdoor store” (well, I guess they’re outdoors for fashion).  I do appreciate that they thought of listing hardware stores, as well as liquor stores (equally important during the apocalypse).

But dentists?  When the shit hits the fan, I do NOT want to find the nearest dentist.  Let’s not make things worse, mmkay?

*hurk*

I have horrible eating habits. I’ll admit it. I regularly eat Ramen Noodles. I will happily substitute a bag of popcorn for dinner. If I happen to not consume an entire pizza in one sitting, I will eat the leftovers for breakfast. Cold. If I’m eating chips and salsa and slop some salsa on my shirt, I will use a chip to scoop up the mess. I have no self-control over a plate of gravy fries. Doughnuts, hot wings, fast food, cookies… I eat all that crap. I drink out of the carton. Basically, I’m gross.

But even I draw the line somewhere.

I came across THIS article in the news today.

From the article: “It’s a regular pizza with a giant hot dog threaded through the crust…”

Way to go UK Pizza Hut, you out-grossed me. *hurk*