I think I’m a pretty damn decent cook. I’ve actually been okay at baking too, and I’ve whipped up some pretty freakin’ delicious cookies, pies, and cupcakes (just ask John – he’s taste-tested all of them. Even when I told him not to, and smacked his hand repeatedly when he sticks his fingers in the batter.)
Apparently, I’ve now lost the ability to make cupcakes correctly. I’ve followed the recipe perfectly – that’s not the problem. I whip it all up with my lil’ whisk, and get ready to pour the batter into the cupcake liners – 2/3 of the way full, which is the perfect amount (according to Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World).
And then I completely forget what 2/3 of the way full is supposed to look like, and my cupcakes end up looking like this.
I seriously do not know what is wrong with me. This is the second time this has happened in the past month. I think part of the problem is that the recipe says it makes “12 cupcakes”, but in reality it makes more like 24 with all the damn batter, but my brain absolutely REFUSES to accept the fact that the batter will not fit into 12 cupcakes.
So I keep on pouring, like an idiot – the whole time thinking to myself, “That looks like 2/3rds full to me. Well, it’s a bit much, but cupcakes know how to stop rising up when the edge of the cupcake tin, right? Of course they do!”
No, they do not.
When water is boiling over in a pot that I filled too full, I can just turn off the heat and/or dump out some of the water. Problem solved. But with cupcakes? I just stand in horror watching them destroy themselves through the oven window, muttering “Fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck!!” to myself and realizing I have no idea what 2/3rds-of-the-way-full looks like.
When I take them out of the oven, they’re a mess. All of the insides have overflowed on top of the cupcake tin, and the actual cupcake itself has caved in because everything that was supposed to be on the inside is now on the outside. Sounds like a horror show, right?
So I scrape all of the filling off the sides of the tin, and try to shove all of the filling into the gaping hole that was once a cupcake. They look like someone chewed them up, then spit them back into the liner.
Terribly frustrated for letting this happen AGAIN, I throw the cupcakes into a tupperware container, and hope that maybe I can cover everything with icing or mash them all into a cake or something.
Then John calls me at work after he has returned from his weekend in the mountains.
John: “Are these cupcakes fair game?”
Me: “YES! Eat them! I can’t serve those things to people.”
John: “Sweet. They’re yummy.”
God bless that man for never letting my cooking disasters go to waste.
Wish me luck… attempt #3 is happening tonight. God help us all.
Image credit – this website. I guess I’m not the only person with this problem.