Chest hair villagers

John and I have some crazy awesome pillow talk.

Me:  “Good lord, man – you have so much chest hair that little people could live in it like it’s their forest.  The hair would be their trees and provide them with shelter.”
John:  “Oh yeah?”
Me:  “Yep.  And this area on your tummy that’s not covered in hair?  This is what they would call The Wasteland. Outcasts and criminals would be sent to The Wasteland, banished from the Chest Hair Forest.”
John: “That’s quite an imagination you’ve got on you…”
Me:  “And this?” (pointing to Adam’s apple) “This would be their great mountain. Hair trees do not grow there, and it’s considered a sacred place.”
John: “Actually I just shaved.  So it’s more like deforestation.”
Me:  “Well that’s a damn shame.”
John: “I could shave my chest too I guess…”
Me:  “THEN WHERE WOULD ALL THE CHEST HAIR VILLAGERS LIVE!?!?”
John: “You frighten me sometimes.”
Me: “Because I’m so much more awesomer than you?”
John: “Did you really just say that?” 

Megan, Me, Food, Drinks, Cabin in the Woods

That sums up the evening pretty well…

Megan: “OK, what can I eat?”
Me: “Well I kinda whipped up this coconut curry tomato soup thing…”
Megan: “Of course you did.”
Me: “Wanna try it?  I put tomatoes in there with some sauce, some coconut milk, honey, salt, curry paste..”
Megan:  “Yeah, I can taste all of that. Yum.”
Me: “It’s great over Ramen noodles, but we ran out of Ramen.”
Megan: “I think I have some in my car…”
Me: “Of course you do.”

—later—

Me: “Thanks for bringing the orange juice.  Somebody left cake-flavored vodka at our house – I think it’d be good with that.”
Megan: “Works for me.”
Me: “I want something fizzy in it too.  Would it be weird to put beer in there?”
Megan: “I dunno, go for it.”
Me: “This could be total genius or totally gross.”
Megan: *sips drink. Scoots drink closer to her and turns away with it under her arm.
Me: “I’ll take that as ‘genius'”.  

—later—

Megan: “MERMAN!!”
Me: “I know, right!?”
*many giggles from both sides.

We needed some quality time together. :)

 

Porsche VS Miata

John picked me up from work last night…

John: “Use your blinker, asshole!!”
Me: “Well, they ARE driving a Porsche.”
John:  “That’s not a Porsche, that’s a Miata.”
Me:  “Oh, well then they’re just retarded.”

Made me think of this (just the first 10 seconds)…

If you haven’t seen “Go” (what this clip is from), you probably should.  It’ll remind you of all those times you didn’t do drugs and go to raves when you were in High School in the 90’s. :)

 

Let’s talk about something funny

Me: “I haven’t been able to think of any good blog posts lately.”
John: “Well, you could write one about us talking – those are always funny.”
Me: “Yeah, but we haven’t had any particularly funny conversations lately.”
John: “What? We talk about funny shit all the time!”
Me: “OK, then let’s come up with something funny to talk about right now.”
John: “…”
Me: “Good effort there, captain funnypants.”
John: “Shut up.”
Me: “The Bloggess was telling a story about her and her husband riding in the car discussing whether or not her eyeballs smelled.  Do you think eyeballs have a smell?”
John: “Probably.”
Me: “OK, her conversation was way funnier.”
John: “Let’s move on.  Are you excited for the Rockies / Cubs game tonight?”
Me: “Sure!”
John: “Who are you rooting for?  You know I’m rooting Cubs.”
Me:  “I dunno.  But I want to wear my purple sweatshirt.”
John:  “Then you’ll be rooting for the Rockies.”
Me:  “Oh, that’s right!  Yeah, purple!”
John: “That was kind of a funny conversation…”
Me: “Wooohoo!  Blog post!”
John: “It wasn’t THAT funny.”
Me:  “Well, it’ll have to do.  I’ve got purple to wear and places to be.”  

Top 50 Reasons to Shave Your Head

Megan and I came up with a little list today, naming the top 50 reasons why you should shave your head.  As I mentioned yesterday, Megan, my sister Taryn & I are all on a team to raise funds for St. Baldrick’s to help fight childhood cancer.  And we’re all getting our heads shaved on September 15th for the cause!

Speaking of which, have you donated yet?  Click here if you haven’t.  DO IT! :D

This list is really reasons for women to shave their heads, mostly because, well… we’re women.  But I’m sure a lot of these can translate to dudes as well.  Enjoy!

TOP 50 REASONS TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD:

#50 – It cuts your getting ready time in half (at least)!  More sleep – yay!!

#49 – It saves time in the shower, therefore saves water.  Saving the environment – yay!!

#48 – You won’t find pesky hairs all over the bathroom floor or your clothes anymore

#47 – You always have a good hair day!

#46 – Your hair won’t get in your way during workouts and yoga

#45 – Earrings only look more fabulous and eye-popping

#44 – Eye makeup, same thing!

#43 – You won’t get your hair stuck in the car window anymore

#42 – On that same note, you can roll all your car windows down and not have to worry about your hair getting messed up (or blowing in your face)

#41 – You can rub your own head for good luck

#40 – Zombies won’t have anything to grab onto

#39 – If you get caught in a rainstorm, your hair will still rock

#38 – If you’re breakdancing you won’t have to worry about your hair getting tugged during a head-spin

#37 – Kitties will want to nuzzle your head-fuzz

#36 – You won’t need to dye your hair, therefore saving the environment from all those chemicals.  Saving the environment (again!) – yay!!

#35 – You can finally remember what your natural color is

#34 – You’ll save a truckload of money on hair products

#33 – You won’t have to use a blowdryer and sweat your balls off while using it in the summertime

#32 – You won’t have to worry about “hat hair” or “helmet hair”

#31 – You will be “the rad girl with the shaved head” at parties.  Radness – yay!!

#30 – It’s a conversation starter!

#29 – Show off your neck! 

#28 – Show off your ears!

#27 – Less fire-hazard around your noggin’

#26 – Babies won’t pull on your hair when you hold them

#25 – Your friends will want to rub your head.  Free scalp massages – yay!!

#24 – You can tell your grandchildren about that crazy time when grandma shaved her head

#23 – It’s a giant FU to traditional society norms. You’re a rebel – yay!!

#22 – Your Bruce Willis impression will be more authentic

#21 – Your hair won’t get in your food when you’re eating

#20 – You can let your hair grow and be whatever it wants to be

#19 – You won’t get your hair stuck in your lipgloss on a windy day

#18 – You won’t zip your hair into your sweatshirt

#17 – No more split ends!

#16 – You can spoon without getting hair in your partner’s face

#15 – You can easily go to a Halloween party dressed as GI Jane, Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3, Homer Simpson, or that chick from Empire Records

#14 – Nobody singing Sinead O’Connor at karaoke will be more convincing than you

#13 – You can make towel-dried look GOOD

#12 – You can find out if your head is oddly shaped

#11 – You can finally get that skull tattoo you’ve been dreaming about

#10 – You won’t have to wear a “bald cap” to hold down your hair when you wear your crazy-afro-clown wig

#9 – You won’t have to worry about bugs or small animals getting stuck in your hair

#8 – Haircuts are easier and cheaper!

#7 – You can balance things on your head more easily

#6 – If you get gum in your hair, it’ll be a breeze to remove

#5 – No more indentations on your wrist from hair ties.  You don’t need them anymore!

#4 – Instant street cred.  You’re a badass – yay!!

#3 – You can show the world that bald is beautiful

#2 – You can show kids with cancer that it’s cool to not have any hair

#1 – You can raise money that’s essential to research childhood cancer, and help find a way to kick its ASS for good!

Going Bald & IUD

Yesterday Megan and I decided to join my little sister with her fundraising efforts for an upcoming St. Baldrick’s event.  They help raise research money to prevent childhood cancer.  Pretty rad, huh?  So we’ll be shaving our heads to help sick kids.  Yes, you heard that right!  Here’s a link to our team page if you wanna donate:

http://www.stbaldricks.org/teams/mypage/79697/2012

If you don’t donate, this squirrel will eat your face off.

(Edit by Megan: In all seriousness, that squirrel is probably going to eat your face off anyway- cause THAT’S WHAT SQUIRRELS DO! But you might as well donate some money. That way you can still feel good about yourself even when you don’t have a face.)

So basically, we’re going to have a couple of Nearly Bald Bobs pretty soon.  And a lot more sleeping-in time in the morning.  WOOT!

On a slightly more uncomfortable note, I also signed up for another research study today – this time for an IUD.

If you guys don’t know what an IUD is, you’re either:
A) A very uninformed guy that needs to learn the importance of birth control, and start understanding all the bullshit women have to go through to not have babies even though YOU GUYS are the ones that fertilize the goddamn egg, so it’s your damn fault if we get pregnant too, but apparently in our society it’s only OUR damn responsibility because you guys whine that you “can’t feel anything” when you wear a goddamn condom.*

or B) A very uninformed girl that might be OK with havin’ a baby in the next few years.

The basics are, it’s this little thingy that sits on your cervix and creates a barrier so no sperm can get up in there, and it prevents you poopin’ out any babies 99% of the time for up to 5 years.  That’s the VERY basics.

Of course, the insertion is pretty painful.  I told John about it afterwards on G-chat.

Me: THAT. SUCKED.
John: Really?
Me:  YES.  I’m never having children if it feels even remotely like that.  And I have a feeling it’s much worse, so therefore I’m never having children.  I should have just had them remove my entire reproductive system while they were in there.
John:  Youch.
Me:  Yeah.  By the way, scooting to the appointment was a BAD idea.  Can men take birth control now?
John:  I’m sorry babe.  If I could take a pill every day, I totally would.
Me:  Thank you.
John:  I heard in India they’re coming up with a male birth control that could last up to 10-years, and it’s reversable!
Me:  Well, wouldn’t THAT be nice!!  Of course we live in a country where male ass-wipes are in charge and there’s no damn way they would let men be responsible for birth control.
John:  Yah.  But if they did, I’d do it.
Me:  I know you would.  You’re one of the GOOD ones.
John:  Haha!
Me:  I’ll try & explain how it felt when they put that thing all up in there… Imagine your worst diarrhea ever, PLUS your worst farting cramps ever.
John:  Yikes. No thanks. I’m sorry babe.
Me:  I’m not done yet.  Then multiply it times 10, and add a little gnome stabbing you from the inside.  

Yeah, that’s pretty accurate. Little shitbag.

John:  YIKES.
Me:  Yah.  I’m doing better now – taking lots of drugs.  However, according to the doctor I could get acne breakouts.  Apparently the birth control that I’ve been taking since forever surpresses that, and when you go off it your body goes a bit crazy.  I could also gain weight.
So with the head-shaving event and the IUD – I’ll be bald, zitty, and fat.
Will you still love me?
John:  Hahaha!  Yep.
Me:  GOOD.  I’m holding you to that.  Good thing I at least have fantastic boobs.
John:  YEP!  ( . )( . ) boobies!
Me:  Always such a charmer, you.

*My doctor did mention that I might get a little “moody” as a side effect of the procedure.  My apologies, guys.  Unless you really are one of those guys – then you can FUCK RIGHT OFF.**

**Whoops.  Sorry again.

Prepping for Burning Man

John is leaving to go to Burning Man this weekend, so we hit up some thrift stores around town to get him some costume stuff.

The evening consisted mostly of me being distracted by awesome stuff for myself, and not helping John much at all.  It also resulted in some of the funniest / weirdest conversations we’ve ever had.  Which says a lot, as you probably know.

Me: *holding up pink blazer* “What about this?”
John: “I already have a pink blazer.”
Me: “Yeah, but is it THIS color pink?”
John: “No……”
Me: “Exactly.  And this one has shoulder pads.”

——-

Me: “Oooooo – look at these purple slipper thingies!”
John: “You’re not helping…”
Me:  “Yes, I am!  These are awesome…. for me.”
John:  “We’re supposed to be finding stuff for me!”
Me: *sighs and puts slippers back* “Oooohhhhkay….”
——10 minutes later—–
John: *begins to try on the purple slippers*
Me: “Uhm, those are the slippers I was just trying on – they’re gonna be to small for you.”
John: “They are?”
Me: “Yes.  Pay attention.  Those will fall off your feet at burning man anyway.  And more importantly, they’re much cuter on me.”

Suddenly, a song starts playing over the sound system – a beat which I know well.  I look up at John in shock.

John: “What?”
Me: “Holy shitballs.”
John: “What!??”
Me:  “We just got Rick Rolled*.”
John:  *laughing* “Holy crap, that’s awesome.”

We found many goodies while we were out (and yes, I did come home with a large red & white striped popcorn bowl.  Because who doesn’t need that!??), and also a pair of vibrating slippers that I REALLY wanted to buy, but realized that I have 2 pairs of slippers at home and I was being ridiculous.

DAMN.  I should have bought them.

We even stopped for some frozen custard on the way home.  It was SOOO YUMMY and we both felt like fat-asses by the time we got back.  But that didn’t stop John from asking….

John: “Can you find your fishnets so that I can try them on?”
Me: “Sure!” 
*long pause*
Me:  “Wow, did that just happen?”

Anyway, I think John is pretty well prepared for his Burning Man trip now.

He’s so ready, it’s kind of scary. No really, he’s freaking me out.

*if you don’t know what it means to get “Rick Rolled” you should probably just crawl out from under that rock you’ve been living under and find out. :)

Packing for Camping

I love my dad, and this is the first time in a very long time that we’ve gone camping together.  It’s funny when the daughter surpasses the father when it comes to being low-maintenance when camping.

Dad:  So, is there going to be a place where I can shower?
Me:  SHOWER!?  Are you kidding?  We’ll be gone for 2 nights!
Dad:  I know, but I like to be clean.
Me:  Dad, we’re camping.  It’s the only time it’s perfectly acceptable in civilized society to avoid showering for 3 or more days.
Dad:  So what about water?  Where will we get that?
Me:  We’ll bring it with us!
Dad:  And bathrooms?
Me:  The world is our bathroom!  As humans, we are already pretty good at treating it as such, so it shouldn’t be a big jump for ya.
Dad:  Wow, so this is real camping?
Me:  Yes, as camping as camping gets.  Except we’ll be parked right by our tents.  And using stoves and stuff.  So not exactly serious camping, but kind of serious no-bathroom-no-shower camping.  That’s about as serious as I get.
Dad:  OK, I might still buy a camping shower.

See what I mean?

Me:  My dad just called.  He actually did buy a shower!  He is going a bit nutty about organizing this whole camping thing. 
John:  Gee, I wonder who you get it from?
Me:  Shut up.  I’m not THAT bad.
John:  This coming from the girl who TYPED her camping checklist, and started packing a week ago.
Me:  It doesn’t hurt to be organized.
John:  More like anal.
Me:  Hey, I’m not anal!  I’m just being thorough with my packing.  My dad is the one who is totally packing-anal.
John: …
Me:  Wow, that came out all wrong, didn’t it?
John:  Yep.

We ate our shoes.

Scene:  John and I are driving down the street, and we pass someone who is about to parallel park.  We stop at the stoplight ahead, and watch the guy try to park in the rear view mirrors…

John: “That guy is SO not going to fit into that spot.”
Me: “I dunno – I think he can fit, but he’s going to fuck it up.”
John: “Yep, there he goes!  He cut it WAY too hard.”
Me: “Yep.  He’s totally going to go up on the curb.”

—–guy parks car perfectly—-

John: *silence
Me: “Huh. Didn’t see that coming.”
John: “Nope.”
Me:  “I guess we just totally ate our shoes there.”
John: “What did you just say?
Me:  “Ate our words?  Our shoes?  Wait – what the fuck am I trying to say?”
John: “Do you mean ‘you put your foot in your mouth’?”
Me: “I think I just combined ‘he made us eat our words’ with ‘foot in our mouth’ and just put a shoe on the foot or something.”
John: “I can’t believe that just happened.”
Me: “Me neither!  That guy parked perfectly!  We’re douchebags!”
John:  “Not him – YOU being a weirdo.”
Me:  “Oh.  You really didn’t see that coming?”

I don’t even know anymore, people…